Tonight there will be another first in the White House: The first ever Presidential Seder! While it is not the Obamas' first Seder, it is the first Seder in the White House.
Last night I, myself, survived another annual Seder at the home of Aunt Shirley, the Brisket Whisperer. It's all about The Brisket and, of course, the matzo ball soup with the matzo balls made to the size specifications of Major League Baseball. (Here's a little known factoid: In 1967 the Israeli army defended their southern border by lobbing Aunt Shirley's matzo balls at the advancing Egyptians. They turned and fled across the Suez.) So, to Mr & Mrs Obama: I have some advice as you host your first Seder (trust me. You'll thank me):
Top of the list: Don't talk politics with the mishpawcha (that's French for family tribe). Everyone knows of Albert Einstein's 'Theory of Relativity' (ie; E=MC2). But far fewer are aware of Einstein's 'Theory of Relatives', (ie; They're all nuts, but me). If you choose to ignore this advice, at least wear a blood pressure monitor.
With regard to the Seder itself; It's clear that those old, standard Four Questions need to be updated. I mean, 'why, on this night, do we eat bitter herbs? ' Come on. We all know the answer to that one: It's because our ancestors did not choose to follow a certain carpenter/rabbi as their messiah. If they had, we'd be dipping Marshmallow Peeps into salt water. Duh.
But it's a new era; We the Chosen People voted for Change. So I think we should start by changing those pesky questions, and Talmudic scholar that I am, I am just the person to do it. As it is customary for the youngest person at the Seder to ask the Four Questions, it will fall to Sasha to recite the following:
1. What page are we on?
2. Did anyone bring any real wine?
3. When do we eat already?
4. Is he really going to marry that Shiksa?
(That last one may seem a bit rude but, trust me, everyone at the table is thinking it anyway.)
As for the rest of what's in the Haggadah, do yourself a favor and just skip it: Forget about finding the Afikomen. You've got enough trouble trying to find out what happened to all that bailout money. And Eliyahu has been in a 12 Step program for years, so don't encourage him by leaving him that glass of wine. Just skip all that and go straight to all the great artery clogging food.
Enjoy your Seder! And thank you, for being the Mensch in Chief who finally includes a Passover celebration in the White House calendar. And lastly, Mr. President, a very important request: Now that you've gotten a little taste of Passover, can you do all Jewish kids everywhere a huge favor, and make it a federal law that all Easter candy be Kosher for Passover? That would be some change I can believe in!
Thank you, and A Zissen Pesach!
