It's Really Hard To Come Up With New Year's Resolutions When You Are Already Perfect...

...but I think it is important to set a good example (besides, Oprah is making me feel guilty). So I, Gotham Tomato, hereby resolve that in 2009 I will:

1. Finally reach my dieting goal of getting back to my original weight: 7 pounds, 7 ounces.

2. Stop wasting money making silly mortgage payments and instead invest that money in botox. (I will look quite fabulous pushing my shopping cart down 5th Avenue, and no one will ever know how upset I am to be homeless - and isn't that what really counts?).

3. Since the British press is claiming that orange is the new black, I resolve to wear duck hunting vests to all the best places.

4. In my new role of fashion icon, I will try to bring back the pointy bra - In traffic cone orange, to avoid parking tickets.

5. I will try to be more welcoming to The Tourists by dressing as they do; like Easter Eggs with fanny packs and bad perms (perhaps even trying to reserve them free, illegal parking with my new bra).

6. I will try to be clean in thought, word and deed.

7. Or at least try for best 2 out of 3.

8. Or just give myself permission to accept that trying can be too, too trying for someone of my delicate sensibilities and short attention span, and thus deserves to be rewarded with chocolate; delaying resolution #1, for which resolution #3 will come in quite handy.

So, if you are visiting Manhattan in 2009, and see a seemingly emotionless 7 pound woman, with a chocolate smeared face, wearing nothing but a pointy orange bra & duck hunting vest, pushing a shopping cart, please do say hello. I will try to be friendly before I tell you to fuck off back to where you came from. Happy Easter!